Saturday, October 20, 2007

I kick Nigel Reed's ass

So, here I am, laid up at home and dosed to the gills with cortisone and antihistamines, unable to go to BMO to see the last game of the season. Actually, I was supposed to miss this game anyways because I'm really supposed to be in Montreal at a conference, but that trip went out the window during my second trip to the hospital a few days ago.

Anyways, this leaves me watching TFC vs the Revolution on TV, feeling very sad. And it's not because I can't be in the stands, singing (I can hear the strains of the Dichio song coming over right now: it's the 24th minute), or because I can't go clad in the new Maasai shuka in TFC colours which I picked up near Ngorongoro. It's mainly because CBC's commentary is so piss-poor.

I know, Arsenalist is always going on about this, but I always assumed he was exaggerating somewhat. He's not. Nigel Reed (pictured) is truly awful. Apart from simply being bland, he has difficulty performing even the basics of commentating. For instance, distinguishing between Jeff Cunningham and Colin Samuel, which he has failed to do at least three times so far this half.

(tangent: Samuel somehow actually scored last week against the stronger indictment of that team's defensive abilities could possibly be devised).

That's it, can't take this nonsense anymore. Doing my own MBM.

40th min: So far, so good, though. All even in the 40th minute which isn't bad considering we've lost 4-0 to NE twice already and I was pretty sure this one would be even worse. But let's see.

43rd min. Oh wait, now Reed's confused Carl Robinson with Jeff Cunningham. That's much tougher to do. That took skill.

45th min + 1. TFC 0-1 NE. Wow. Michael Parkhurst lobs Stamatopoulos from 60 yards. That was fucking awful.

46th min: Cunningham off, Dichio on. Could there be any more depressing words at the end of a season than "top scorer, with five goals..."?

47th min: TFC 0-2 NE. Twellman scores from a corner. Pathetic defending as usual.

52nd min: Lombardo out, Pozniak on. Bizzarre behaviour from Mo. Surely this should have been done at half-time, no?

58th min: TFC 1-2 NE. Wynne almost blows a chance by tripping over the ball but somehow gets a shot off. He hits the post, but bovine forward Colin Samuel puts in the re-bound for his second goal in as many weeks. A plague of frogs is seen hopping up towards the stadium from Lake Ontario.

63rd min: Frogs catch wind of Pizza Pizza concessions at BMO and head back to the lakeshore

65th min: From a corner, Pozniak gets a free header from about 8 yards. Skies it.

67th min: Aforementioned header returns to earth somewhere in the south stands.

68th min: A variety of TFC chances squandered due to complete inability of anyone in a red shirt to even pretend to do an off-the-ball run.

72nd min: Reed hits top form. "There's Steve Nicol, coach of the Revolution....if you know anything about Scotsmen, you'll know they hate to lose." These are Canadian tax dollars at work...

75th min: You know, Tyler Hemming is doing a very competent job at right back. Makes you wonder why we've had to suffer through a season full of performances from Adam Braz and Marco Reda.

79th min: Hemming slips the ball to Wynne, who scuffs the ball wide, leaving Pozniak an empty net, but he can't quite connect with a slide. Best chance of the last ten minutes.

80th min: Reed and Forrest begin a long suck-fest about how great it would be if Savo Milosevic signs for TFC. An even slightly critical journalist might have mentoned the fact that Savo is now 34 years old, for Christ's sake.

82 min: From a corner, a lot of banging the ball around inside the New England area, but nothing resembling an actual shot. A lot of impossibly high arcs on headed balls, though.

87 min: Same again.

90 min: Craig Forrest now giving Reed a run for his money by demonstrating everything which is wrong with Canadian football in a single sentence. "Not a lot of time now, they just have to go Route 1". 3 minutes of extra time.

90 min + 2: TFC 2-2 NE. DICHIO!!! From 20 yards, with his back to goal, he turns and lobs Matt Reis. I have no idea how he hit that, but goddamn do I wish I were there. That's football!

Final Whistle. Brilliant, storybook end to a game and to a season. Can't wait for April.

Ta-ra, all


Anonymous Anonymous said...

From where I sit the only possible positive impact of Savo's arrival would be the cementing into Canadian vernacular of that wonderful phrase about banjos and cow's asses.

Sounds to me like that only lasting cure for your post-Kenya health issues would be a couple of weeks in Sardinia.

3:43 AM  
Blogger mbroadhurst said...

That was a brilliant way to end the season, and Dichio's equalizer was brilliant - I never thought I'd see him score a goal that looked like it required some genuine football skill, as opposed to his usual "oops it bounced off my back and in!" Too bad you couldn't make it -- we had four empty seats next to us!

3:47 PM  
Blogger Antonio G said...

Wait a minute - I *gave* you two of those tickets before I left. What happened?

7:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Missed the game again because of travel but this post did a better job of summarizing it than The Toronto Star...Thanks!

Oh yeah and thanks for recognizing that Nigel Reed sucks balls.

11:34 AM  
Blogger Beautifulgamer said...

He'll never be as bad a Vic Rauter.

5:35 PM  
Blogger TJX said...

Would you prefer the American announcers here for soccer?

Case over.

9:03 PM  
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