Explaining Peter Crouch

Listen very carefully.

Peter. Crouch. Is. Crap.

Scoring the odd goal is not difficult when you have Xabi Alonso and Steven Gerrard behind you. Christ, even Djibril Cisse can manage that occasionally. But scoring is even less difficult when you have a glandular condition that allows more talented people to easily bounce balls off your head and into the net.

Think of it this way: Peter Crouch is to a decent footballer as Manute Bol is to Shaquille O'Neill.

Extending the analogy only slightly, England are the Washington Bullets of the World Cup - famous because of its freak-show players (Crouch/Bol, Bogues/Walcott) rather than its actual talent.

No analogy, however, can explain why Sven persists in playing both Lampard and Gerrard when the pairing's minimal offensive benefits are offset by Enron-like liabilities on the defensive side. That, unfortunately, resists any kind of logical analysis.